Too angry

I am too angry today; infact since last night. I am raging in this. Feel like slapping someone hard or going out to some isolated place and shout out loud. Cannot portray calm and compose posture anymore.

It feels people take undue advantage of my polite and soft behaviour towards them. It feels they think anything is ok with me. If feels they think that my words aren’t important to them, my deadlines given are all fake and everyone is with Chalta hai attitude.

I hate this behaviour of people, I hate when people take my words for granted. I am so so soo angry today.

Day 90

Ahh Sunday again!!!
I feel so good when Sunday arrives, a relaxed day, and a day when I attend the Eucharist. It has become a part of my life and I cannot go without it.

Today morning I was feeling too lethargic and feverish so few minutes thought that I should not go to the church and take rest, but something inside of me was killing me and troubling me and I couldn’t stay back when got up and went to the church.

We were celebrating ‘Parents Day’ today at church and for which he was supposed to be giving sound and be a DJ for the show. It was an awesome day. Everything went so well, his sound was a super-hit.

Day 91

Today is my father-in-law’s birthday, and also we were to select and finalise our wedding invitation card. Sometimes the feeling of getting married is incredible but at times I feel lost, lost like an orphan in a crowd. Lost like a blind in the dark, lost like an abundant child.

I had mixtures of emotions today. I had been out with my mom-in-law to get things from the market to prepare for the evening as we were planning to celebrate dad’s birthday (father-in-law), and then went to meet her in the afternoon so that can help her in preparing food for evening. On the other hand had informed my mom well in advance that she will have to be there to select my wedding invitation card, but sometimes I feel that I am not any important to anyone at home, and sometimes I feel for my family I am their world.

I will be exiting from one house to become a part of another house and make it my home. It’s such a difficult feeling, such a difficult adjustment. Fear mount in me that I should not fail fulfilling my duties towards my new family. I fear if they would accept me as I am. I fear if I will be loved for what I am.

I sometimes wonder how does a girl marries a boy and becomes a part of him and his family, leaving back her own family with whom she has spent her life till the day of marriage. Why is this custom? Why a girl has to leave everything behind and start a new life? Why all the adjustments are in the bag of a woman?

Will I be able to fulfil all the expectations that my would-be family will have? Lot of questions in my mind, but none answered as yet.

Today, my dad-in-law passed a comment; I still didn’t understand the meaning of it. I really do not know if it was for my good or was it some sarcastic comment. Yet I swallowed it. And with this mummy (mom-in-law) explained to me like my own mother that I should not tolerate such comments from anyone, our body is to be respected by us first and we shouldn’t tolerate anybody’s comment.

I love her; really love her a lot by now. When I am with her, I do not feel I am alone, because her presence makes me feel loved and comfortable.

We selected the design and content of the invitation card, my mom and bro turned out to be there with me. Felt too happy. Later in the evening he was there at home and we all had food and drink and thus ended my day happily.

Day 92

Today felt like talking to him a lot. I was dreaming about something, wanted to share with him. Wanted to share with him my wish-list; wanted to tell him that I am feeling insecure about something unknown. But couldn’t tell him, he was busy with his work, busy with his upcoming shows. May be next time I would definitely share.

It was a tiring day at work as well, I am totally exhausted. One of my colleagues is getting redundant from his post, learned new from another colleague. Feeling too bad to know about this; life is so much unpredictable and so is our private organization’s job. We do not know when the organization would decide that they do not need us and ask us to leave. He too must be going through same trauma I believe. Although I never confronted him about this because I feel he wouldn’t be comfortable talking about it. I just truly hope he find something better and really worth.

Nothing is permanent in life and so does our feelings, one day it is so vibrant and the other day it is negative.

Went to my fiancé house and completed my remaining day’s job as do not have a computer at home to work. Unfortunately it is being damaged and now given away to someone else by my brother.

Sometimes I find it so difficult to work from home as I feel helpless and handicap with no computer/ laptop at home; every time I have to borrow his computer and I feel I have become shameless asking over and over again.
He went to the church for arranging his sound and due to some technical issues he came in home extremely late. That’s his usual routine when he is out for his shows; I’ll have to get into the habit of sleeping alone at nights because he will be at his work during that time. I hate sleeping alone; rather am scared of sleeping alone. I mostly sleep with my mom, but after marriage that will also be not possible.

Eventually couldn’t share my wish-list with him. I am sure he will be busy even tomorrow as he will again go to the church.

Day 93

Today was the usual day; he dropped me at home and when back home. Had a lot to chat and talk to him but we both wanted to sleep early.

Travelling takes a toll on us. It’s a huge task travelling back home from this crowded railway in Mumbai. Peak hours are like horror, where one can’t even stand in train relaxed.

Day 94

Today we didn’t meet. I didn’t even listen to his voice. We only chat for few minutes and that too work. But believe along with all good, I should also be mentally prepared to accept the worst.

I am fine and happy with the fact that he is honest to me and doesn’t hide anything from me.

Happy and content spiritually and with life

I am exactly 30 days away from my birthday. Wow! After so long feeling fresh, excited and enthusiastic about my upcoming birthday; Well will be completing 29th year on this planet, 29 yrs of my life I have been a daughter, a sister to someone and from this October onwards would be promoted to someone’s wife, daughter-in-law and many more relationships would come along.

I am feeling so excited. I am very happy, content, satisfied with my personal life now. And it is for the first time ever in my life my resolution is attained. Feeling as if I am flying on the 7th sky, high up in the air; and when I am looking around, I can see only stars twinkling and bright light shining and flower spreading all over the surface and feathers giving me the soft touch. Ahh don’t you think it’s a place like heaven. Yes, it is the same feeling I am going through.

It seems I am very closer to my purpose of this life. All these years I was running away from someone and searching my purpose on this planet. Can you believe although we say we love God but then if we do not know him, then we will always be searching and our search would never finish. Similar was my case although I kept saying I love Lord, my God but never knew him. I have just started knowing him now, and this gives me peace, it keeps my mind cool, my heart satisfied and happy.

Since December 2013, I am changed, changed into a complete different person. And to add flavour to the life, the start of the year had been very terrific and challenging, may be that was God’s way to show me the truth. After being possessed for 3 days and also the way the evil spirit was driven out of me, it cleared all my doubts about my God. It is been written, “Do not put the Lord your God to test” but without testing him, he showed himself to me and changed my life for good.

December 2013 retreat to Kalyan is unforgettable; it has left an imprint on my soul. I felt holy spirit for the first time in my life, while at the healing service, after confessing all my sins to God, I was calling out to Jesus – My Master and was begging to just feel him, I felt his touch, he was all over me, my body and my soul, I was soothe, felt that very moment that I need nothing else but only my Lord and when he was with me I needed no one. All thanks to my would-be hubby who took me along with him to attend this retreat.

Life changed ever since then and speeded up. I remember the priest explaining towards end of the session, that when we are clean and step out into the world after this blissful retreat, the demon that leaves us that time comes to see us, and he finds the place and soul clean. And then he goes to call 7 other more powerful demons to have their home along with him. That time a doubt stroked my mind, as to how can this is possible. It was just for an instant and then left me. But with evil spirit entering my body and then with God’s power releasing me from this desolation, cleared my doubts to the core, and this is how I feel my purpose of my life starts.

Resolutions for the coming year that I would want it to be are:

1) Become a loving and supporting wife for life and stand firm with the vows that I would be taking at the church on the wedding day.
2) Become a loving daughter-in-law and understand my parents-in law and always be with them.
3) Support my husband to fulfil his dreams.
4) Develop my faith in God and learn the bible and the actual meaning of it.
5) Become a preacher at religious centres and spread the word of God.
6) Do atleast one social cause in the name of Jesus Christ.
7) Support my husband in buying a new house of his choice.
8) Keep supporting my mother through-out her life to come and keep her happy.
That’s it for this year, will see how much I am successful in fulfilling all may be around the same time next year.

Constipation – A halt station

Today I am constipated. I hate this. It feels so heavy as if I am carrying a 4 months old baby in my womb. It feels as if something is holding me tight inside, as tight as something stuck with fevicol, ironically it is the condition that now I am unable to bear.

I ignored it yesterday assuming it should be fine today but I was wrong. My day before yesterday’s, yesterday’s and even today morning’s food digested is still accumulated and still lying in my intestine. Seems like as if my intestine loved my food so much that it doesn’t want to flush it out thinking it wouldn’t get it again.

Ohh my large intestine please do not bother as I would give you food like this again, but please release me from this discomfort and let me feel free.

I ate 2 apples, dates and even Abajpati goli to digest my food and get my motion clear, but still not that effective. I shall try my best to get it out of my system as soon as possible, till then best of luck to myself.

Day 95

Today felt as if he really cares for me. I was wearing my short skirt as usual with short and skin tight shirt. I love wearing short clothes, I don’t know why, but it is in my blood.

Accidently while getting off the train one of this middle button opened of my shirt and things were visible inside. He pointed out immediately and later kept on explaining to me the repercussion.

He is always caring towards me, and today was just another sign of his caring and loving ways towards me. I enjoy this importance. I love him too. Love my would-be hubby.

Day 96

“Two minds are better than one”; it a proverb but then we proved it wrong.
I am very excited to share about today; can you believe it was like 5 minds together and no output at all unfortunately, but still had great fun. The bonding became strong than ever.

We had been to his friend D’s house for barbeque party; D’s wife took all the pain of marinating the chicken and keeping it well prepared. D got the charcoal but unfortunately none of us other than he knew how to lit the charcoal.

It was such a hilarious situation that all of us were fanning the fire and was trying to light the charcoal but all in vain. All were hungry and was left with no energy. He was the one who was taking most of the efforts in lighting it. Although he knew how to light but still couldn’t.
We all were in his D’s garden behind; it was pleasant, romantic and an awesome climate.

Finally all 3 of them decided to give rest to girls and prepared chicken on the gas-stove. He and D opened their drinking session. As peg’s were entering in him, his face was changing, glowing and he was looking charming as ever. I could sense him, his feelings unsaid. It was rather unusual about me that I felt more loving and close towards him this night, generally I don’t like people when they drink, but he has a different, he has the power to pull me towards him even without being explicit.

I get pulled towards him like a magnet, like a dart toward the board, like a falling object to the ground. The minute he looks into my eyes, I shiver, I feel shy, but at the same time I open up to him.

He touches me with his eyes; I never experienced it, it is all new to me. My would-be hubby looking at me, this sounds so good. My hubby, my companion and my life, I really love him by now a lot.

I really liked what D explained to me when I just answered my mom’s call giving her explanation for returning late at home, “After 3 months he will be responsible of you, you will be with him and will be answerable to none as he will be beside you”.

Day 97

Sunday!!! Sunday!!! Yippee Sunday!!!

Finally it’s Sunday and I could attain my Eucharist, it gives a sense of belonging to me. It feels that after one whole week it is better to return to God and take his blessings and see him, talk to him and receive him.

He also attends the same mass as I do; he sits at the second-last bench just beside the door, always formally dressed for the mass. Well behaved, well groomed, handsome and smart that’s how I describe him when he is at church. He is really very adorable; words fall short when I have to describe him.

Ever since it’s raining, I miss seeing him in formally dressed, but I am sure it wouldn’t be for a longer time. And he would resume back to his formal attire for the Sunday morning Eucharistic celebration.

My uncle arrived last night, uncle whom I have placed on a very high pedestrial, in the place of my dad. And he wanted to meet him and my parents-in-law, and due to some miscommunication between him and me; we had to end up eating lunch at his house. The food was yummy and the raita that he prepared was exorbitantly tasty, just to tease him I said that I don’t like it much, but then he knew that there is something hidden in the closet.

He is so vocal to my parents about his liking toward me; but he never expresses it to me. He never even tells me if he likes me; but his eyes, his ways towards me speaks it all. He is so caring and so loving.

I have experienced his love, his extra-ordinary love towards me when I was possessed. An evil spirit had taken charge of my body, but without even hesitating he stood strong beside me like a rock. He fought the evil spirit out of me by praying to God, crying out to him pleading to get me well.

Without fearing to loose or destroy his life, he was beside me all the time so that I do not face any more danger, so that I am safe and sound. I feel blessed having him in my life, having him as my husband. God is merciful to me and gave me him as my most precious gift.

Day 98

Today being Saturday, I didn’t have office, I felt so lucky that I could sleep, sleep for some extra hours to get out of tiredness; on the other hand he had his working day as usual. He got Saturday’s working unfortunately and gets only 1 day rest in a week.

I woke up at 9:30 in the morning, was still lying down on the bed out of laziness. My sweet darling, my mom, she ensures I get bed-tea whenever I am on leave. As soon as my shutter opens, my tea is always available on the bed; today again I got the same royal treatment. Oh I know it may sound weird to you, but I drink tea without brushing my teeth when on leave, because rest of the days I have to be organized 

Then saw my closet and it was over-flowing with my clothes, sat to organize and clear it and it finally looked decent and impressive for the eyes and obviously for the hands to reach out to look for my clothes.

I recently developed one good habit which I picked up from my mom-in-law; ironed my clothes for the coming week. I cannot believe it myself that I could be so well planned and structured. Thanks to her.

After the whole day of work I felt tired and sleepy and therefore thought of resting for an hour and then dressing up and going to meet him, but can you see my luck? I slept at 4 pm and directly was up at 10:30 in the night. Then quickly picked up my phone to check if he or mom-in-law called, and saw one simple message from him, “busy or sleeping?” ahh felt so dis-heartened that I missed replying to him or even meeting him today.

I couldn’t see him today, felt bad, but then may be this is what life is, sometimes too happy and something weird.

Day 99

Now-a-days I feel shy; very shy. People ask me about him in a very different way. I really do not know what do I reply to them or how do I respond to the people who tease me with his name.

Today his friend was teasing him when he called me to his house for some work. Can you believe he was explaining to him jokingly but I was feeling shy? Never experienced this feelings ever before. It’s a different me, I am no more the same. This feeling is making me a different person, making me stronger and stronger day after day.

I realise that I will be responsible for not only myself but the entire family. Now I will no more be the youngest person in the house, but someone who will be solely responsible for the family’s welfare.

Day 100

Today feeling nervous, only few more days left for wedding and then I will give myself to someone whom I trust by now too much.

I want to look the best for him; on our wedding day, and each and every day after it; guess what? I restarted my workouts which I had stopped out of laziness for past a month.

I changed my complete pattern of workout, hopefully to see some difference in my figure on our day.

Sequence is Skipping, then planks, finally with squats.

Day 101

Love is in the air, I can feel it, I can sense it; I can see it.

Today I experienced the best and healthy discussion with him; a discussion where he was thinking only about me; my happiness, my views were important to him. He didn’t explicitly mention about it but I understood.

I never knew I’ll be so much important to someone, that ONE with whom I will be spending my life with - my soul mate. It gives me immense happiness, happiness that is unmeasurable.

I cannot believe myself planning about future, future living with my in-laws, with my-husband leaving back my house, which will be soon be called as my maiden ‘s house, ooppss did I say it? Oh yes I did; because that’s exactly it will be called as. Changing my name, my identity for someone, the only one my husband, my better-half.

He is so adorable, the more I love him, the less I feel. When I look at him, I forget the world, when he is around me; I feel the world is with me. He doesn’t touch me, but I feel his touch. He doesn’t hug me, but I feel his warmth. He doesn’t hold me, but I feel comforted. I never knew even such feelings exit, a pure feeling of being loved by someone.

I complain to him why he doesn’t love me; but honestly, I know how much he loves me and looks forward for me. I know my value in his life. How much ever I write about him will be less. I feel blessed. God answered my prayers, he is merciful to me and that’s why gifted me with such a precious gift.

I sign-off from day 101. Shall let you know about day 100.

Count Down Begins – Day 102

Here I am after so long. The reason is very simple; I am too excited for my upcoming wedding. My dream of becoming a bride is finally coming true. The thought of becoming a bride on OUR DAY is just too pleasing.

102 day left for my wedding, all too excited and too confusing. Lot of things are pending and a lot more to be done.

Today mumma (my mom) and mummy (his mom) both met the priest and booked our wedding mass.

Ahh it seems now that our shoe-lace is tied and we are on the marks to run.

See you tomorrow with other things.