Happiness

Last evening I had reached home early. Had long list of agenda for the evening.

Called up the parlour woman took appointment; wanted to do something to fresh-up and look good and become happy as had a small argument with my love. Took a short nap before heading for the parlour; to gain PEACE OF MIND; as I was too depressed and wanted to be HAPPY.

While I was still asleep;  my phone rang and when I saw it was my mother. She wanted me to attain the mass at the church; as there were 2 missionary priests who has come down for a special prayer, they in fact had already visited our house some days before when I was in the office.

Well, the reason behind telling this story is I finally experienced Peace of Mind and felt happy……the mass went on for 2 hours……..the initial hour was a normal mass continuing with the missionary mass and then adoration…..!!!

The hymn's that were sung were touching my soul; it gave me a fatherly touch of God's presence amongst us. One of the hymn that really made me happy was “Happiness”….do not remember the entire hymn but it says….happiness is a state of mind, when we think we are happy we become happy and vice-versa. God wants us to be happy and he creates everything around us so pleasant that we should be happy and become happy but we do not understand…!!!

Even my love keeps on saying the same thing; but when I heard these in that hymn I could connect his said words and also all the situations of my life and so I decided no matter what happens I shall stay happy hereafter…………..!!! 

Kafkarsque Thoughts Surrounded

Worries have shadowed me in his color and anxiety has taken its toll on me !!

I really don't know how to get in touch with him; he sometimes back had spoken with me and now not contactable at all…!! Is it that his phone is not working or is that he lost his phone somewhere…Or ….??

Really it feels as if I am an expatriate and attempting to search him somewhere in 

galley-west….!!!

But I know he is fine; hoping and wishing he is fine! Don't know what to do and whom to ask about him.

Confused, lost and worried…!!!

All of ask of you

All I ask of you; is to forgive me

Forgive me forgive me

All I ask of you; is to love me

Love me love me

Restore the feeling that is fading

How do I ask you for the favour everleading?

All I ask of you; is to love me love me love me…!!

Be by my side and I promise to do what you ask

Why don’t you have any faith;

And left  your mate without a bask ??

Please be with me…………

All I ask of you; is you love me forgive me and love me again…..

And I promise you will never hide anything

from you my love and my friend….!!!

SENSES……….!!

Ever since I met you

I have captured every little things in my mind

The lovely twinkling eyes

And you always by my side…!!

Every time I sit back and think

I wonder how things have worked

We were way apart

Like parot and peacock !!

Every time you hold my hand

My senses gives me a shock

Every little things you do

I love it from my heart..!!

Every time you look at me

My eyes become astray

Though thousands words unsaid

It still brings up in the same way..!!

Every time you say ‘I love you’

It encourages me to be alive

It gives me the strength,

and the courage for my life!!

Every time you come closure

And you hold me in your arms

I feel comforted

My feets do not require the ground..!!

I hope you will continue

The way you are for me.

Please do not go away

As you are my destiny…….!!!

Enslave In Pain Of Departure

I was very excited a month before when I was waiting for THE ONE to arrrive. But never expected him to return so early. He had promised me to stay for long; but he is leaving early, leaving in another 7 days.

Though my heart is heavy with emotions I still have to depict a smiling face!! I don’t want to hurt him; but I am too sad and hurt!!

After a long contract of 4 months he had come and that too just for about only a month…!!!

I want him to stay here; be with me; stay with me; laugh together and spend lot and lot of time together; but unfortunately all that I want to do I will not be able to do after 7 days.

I love him a lot but the very fact is that we will have to depart once again; and this time again it is painful, it is hurting me but nothing could I utter; nothing could I speak !!

O Lord !! Please do not enslave me in this pain again !! Please Lord..!!

Tanhayi........

Jab tanhayi chu leti hai

Tak dil aahe bharta hai

Kuch na soochu, kuch na samjhu

Yeh pyaar kyu aaisa hota hai !!

Har pal hai shikayat

Phir bhi hai mahobaat

Har pal hai yenayat

Phir kyu hai bagawat !!

Tanhayi jab chuti hai

Tab dil me yeh dard uthatha hai

Tab aakhein bhar jaati hai

Tab dil me yeh halchal machti hai

Kyu hai yeh raaste mushkil ?

Kyu hai har waqt saath yeh dard ?

Kyu hai vo shikayate ?

Kyu hai yeh maan bhara har pal ??

Feeling of being betrayed

There had been a time when I was betrayed!! Yes this is what I meant to say BETRAYED by the one whom I took close to my conscious; kept in my heart and caressed; that feelings of adolescent love had grown up in my heart like a seed in a soil; which when watered grew up slowly and steady and than it grew up to a strong stem of a tree with many strong yet long branches.

The feelings had harboured in my heart and I took that as the universe my dream land where I failed  to identify the false face of the orge libido. I was in a false paradise though!

I was shattered and had become insane; insane to such an extend that I even tried to take revenge but as it is rightly said a leapord cannot change its spot and so am I ! Though tried hard but couldn’t just couldn’t do anything wrong to that person..!! But in the heart of the heart was shattered and my hope and trust on human creatures had come to an end.

My heart was sour for everyone who came across me with those pleasant talk; I suspected to every approaches that came forward to and walk hand-in-hand untill the juncture I met ‘THE One’ my “Only one”..!

But offlet the way I felt some years ago; I felt it AGAIN !! But just for a second ! My sub-consicous mind had captured and there still remained this unfatomable pain.

Albiet, I don’t have any doubts in my mind and heart and soul; but what I felt that very moment has hurt my SOUL my LOVE to the core !!

I can never forgive myself; but am helpless as couldn’t reason it !! My reaction; my behavior I cannot justify !! But all I know is I cannot hurt my love anymore !! I wish I could rewind those moments and uproot that very thought / doubt that crossed my mind ! But am helpless; nothing can I do  to be forgiven! Nothing can I do to bring back that sunshine smile of my love; my heart; my Life….!!!

Now, I have become the reason for him to feel betrayed…and this is taking away my life…!!!!!

Note : I am extremly sorry for the mistake that i committed !! Please forgive me !!

I committed a mistake

I have hurt someone badly with my actions and with my thoughts!!

I have committed a mistake which is a SIN; really confused  how should I apologies?

Should I bend on my knees for forgiveness ? Or should I give away my life for to gain his trust back !!

I know that he is hurt and that too because of me !! But is it my mistake; that my mind had rewind for somewhile and could think of nothing but that very thing!!

Don’t even know how to apologies ? How do I ask for forgiveness !!!

I just hope that one day he will forgive me for the mistake that I committed..!!!!

Heart beats

What is happening at juncture?

What will happen in future ?

I am not at all sure !

That it will happen something pure !!

My heart is beating very fast,

My breathing is taking a pause,

God knows what is happening afar

As it is on mine behalf……

My love my life why are you struggling?

Just to get the best from our belonging !!

Something else will be approaching,

But why is this broaching ??

Life seems to be meaningless,

Everything else is seamless,

But the only thing is True,

That I am in love with you !!