Incomplete thoughts

My heart is very heavy past few days. It seems something is going away from me. But what is it?

Possibly thoughts that are gushing in my mind could be wrong, invalid and void; but I am suspicious.

I really don’t know if this time my thoughts are right or my intuition.

It is always the case that my thoughts, the negative thoughts are always wrong and my intuition finally wins the battle. This has happened several times. In recent past my mind has always played a game between my conscious and sub-conscious, thoughts and feelings that are buried, and have buried that long back when I wanted to be something and became something else.

There is always a battle in me, but why these things arise and why do I have to face these circumstances so often and as I said in recent past these has become a part of my life’s circle.

I want relief; I want to be out of all these, I want to be a free bird again, I want to live my life.

I have these incomplete thoughts and still finding an answer; and I believe one day I shall find it.

Rays-

The rays that hit the ground;
Gives energy and delight,
Seeds sprout;
Give lives;
To millions who uprise!
But then instead of being grateful
We sit and greed and resent
The Rays still fall upon;
forgiving all pains!
These Rays I long await for
As dusk envelops the earth
Leaving with another hope at heart
I sleep with great delight!
Morning, evening and dusk
It is a vivid cycle
But Rays are all I want
For all my days of Life!

Saturday-a whole day at home

Today, I was the entire day at home; not because I didn’t want to move out of the house. I had to go to the college but unfortunately yesterday while cleaning the house my right ankle got twisted and got a sprain there.
For initial few hours, I could walk with little pain; I had assumed that there is nothing wrong to worry about. However, later in the evening swelling took the charge of my ankle, and now it is dark green.
The size of my feet is double than the normal size that I have. It’s paining terribly. I had to go to the college, submit my assignment (although not completed yet) meet people, eat some junk food out; but all  I am doing is reading some books, doing household work and right now in front of the monitor trying to search something online!
I feel that everything happens for a purpose in our lives. The fatigue of the bill run is still to go; It may be because since the time bill run is over, I am working from morning till night at home. Okay I did not mention the reason for taking off, the neck of our family; my mother is unwell since Wednesday, due to fever and ear infection and the pain is at this moment too much to bear. I wish and pray that she becomes alright soon and so will I be fine.
For now I shall be preparing for the assignment to be submitted in college.

After a long time

You must be wondering why I am writing after such a big break. On the other hand, rather why I did not write for such a long time; the answer is that these months I was too busy to find time for self to write here and share with you on happening in my life.
My love came down in the month of Sept last year and can you image this time we had approximately four months of togetherness. Time few like an eagle in the sky which came back now after he left for sailing across the ocean again.
I shall write more about our meeting in the next post.
Until then bye…

Heavenly Feeling……!!!!

“It feels heavenly when he is around me, only his touch keeps me at peace.”

I received his phone call yesterday; after almost more than a month we could speak for some good time. We spoke yesterday evening precisely for 49 minutes. He and I both were lost in our dreams of past and was efflorescence and were wishing for this vacation also to be the same or rather better than before.

I love when I find him happy; but unfortunately this time he was sounding  resentful and eager to return. Even I want him to come down now; just cannot bear the distance.

On the other hand, the conversation of 49 minutes gave me a heavenly feeling of him being around me that point in time. Gradually, he has become the purpose of my life. With every passing minute, he has created his position so concrete in my heart and mind that; I just cannot think of anyone or anything other than him.

We would be completing 2 yrs of our courtship; but it feels that we are together for such a long time yet want to be with him. Out of these 2 yrs we actually spent time with eachother for only 3 months and 15 days.  Yes!! That is the fact of our courtship.

Albeit, it is the reality of my life; but then too the time spent with him is the time I always crave for. Maybe he is aware of this; but I want him to know this; how do I tell him? I find him in the same state. Cannot console as this will go as along as he is in this profession.

I am aware that one day will become the last day for him to be away from me; and we shall stay together thereafter…..

I have witnessed incredible NATURE.

It was pouring heavily yesterday evening while returning from office; with tall mountains beside and grey spread clouds  up I witnessed the incredible Nature.

I never imagined that could feel the fine drops falling from the meadows of heaven upon us; it was dripping  straight on the window glass that I was sitting beside. It felt that as if; there was a fuss in between these drops, and each one of them wanted to run the window plank. I was on the inner side. I wanted to feel them but couldn’t but yet could experience the chilled sensation of water on my hands when touch the plank.

On the other hand, there was water flowing down the mountains besides on the western express highway that I pass through while returning. It looked as if they were also in a rush to reach their destination; it was flowing as if there is a marathon being played by them and every drop is in a rush to reach the end and during that time the trees were leering to have a view of the entire episode.

I conclude with a contented heart that; Nature is ultimately the best creation of God.

Sometimes bad happens for good…!!

Today when the world was busy celebrating Eid someone was parting for this world.  Tears were rolling down many people’s eyes especially 2 of them. 

This was expected as doctors had given hope, but still our hearts were still praying for her to be fine, stand up and start walking, talking to us and again enjoy this glorious life. She wanted to live more, she wanted to be alive, but the only thing that she could do is, cry, cry in pain!!!

All the efforts put by her son was in vain a pure dud.

Her pain was unbearable. Eventually she couldn’t eat, sleep, drink or even talk. I remember my bhabhi sharing that she used to drink only about half tea spoon full of water in 24 hours.  She was suffering for an oral cancer. Which had started from just a pimple in her mouth, which then grew to such an extent that her checks were rotten and slowly her jaws started rottening and eventually it was difficult for her to even drink a spoon full of water.

I remember I had seen her fit and fine when we initially had been to her place but today she is no more in this world, she passed away.

Finally she is free from the imprisonment of this cruel body which troubled her for 5 yrs till now ever since she was caught with this disease Cancer.

The one whom I am mentioning is none other but my brother’s mother-in-law..!!

Strange feeling and a strange dream

I have a very strange feeling in my heart today. Very strange!!

I am feeling as if I will be loosing something very soon, very soon I will be unhappy.

But cannot prefigure what is that going to be. It feels as if a mangy dog is just around me; smelling me and making me feel as if I have done some great great mistake and so inducing to feel ignominy.

Is it that the journey of my life is diverting? Or is that I am moving away from someone close?? Cannot; just cannot understand the irony of life’s twisted story.

I had dreamt around 4 days back which I found it very very suprising. Let me share with you the same.

I entered a lift  and I wanted to go on the 5^th floor of some building (couldn’t recollect the name of the building). When the door got closed the lift started pulling upwards but I wasn’t able to press the button of the 5^th floor; it made me fall in teribble fear. But later 2 men standing beside me; and they helped me to step out of the lift; where the opened the upper part of it and asked to jump off.

It was very difficult for me to jump as the lift that opened; it opened to a platform where there were trains arriving. I somehow managed to get onto the platform.

Later, the entire scene was twisted and I saw myself later running of the train. The train that I was running for was already in motion and was about to leave the platform. I runned like a dog and finally managed to board the train. I tried looking for occupying a seat and then had a safe journey.

I feel that this dream has an equivocal interpretation.  Really don’t know why did I dream such; but definitely it has something in store. May be something good or may be something extremely bad……….!!!

Subhash Chandra Bose

Hope everyone who is reading here knows this great HERO who worked hard to bring freedom for our country and because of his great contribution our country is called as Independent his name is “Subhash Chandra Bose”.

In today’s fasten world where everything is moving at the ultimate pace has forgotten this great personality.

His full name is Subhash Chandra Bose which was pronounced as ‘Shubhash Chondro Bosh’. He was born on 23^rd January 1897 in Cuttack, Orissa. His parent’s names were Janakinath Bose and Prabhabati Debi.

In his group of freedom fighters he was known as ‘Netaji’.

He is presumed to have died on 18^th August 1945 in a plane crash in Taiwan, however there is no evidence of his death on that day and investigations were on but still there are no clues of him to be death.
It was a prejudice that he knew black magic and knew to become invisible, yet this is no where mentioned in the history of this great man.

He was imprisoned by British authorities for about 11 times and his famous motto which kept him motivated all through his journey to freedom was “Tum mujhe khoon do mein tumhe aazadi dunga” (“Give me blood and I will give you freedom”).

On the out-set of the war, he left India and had been to several countries to come together to fight against British government.

He had been to meet Mr. Hitler at Germany where there were many Hind Fauj (Indian Army) present, asking them to be relieved so that they can fight against British.

He has also been to Japan to ask them to join hands to fight against the common enemy British Government.

Eventually with all his great efforts put to meet different South-eastAsian countries, he managed to re-organize and form Azad Hind Fauj also called as Indian National Army with Indian prisoners-of-war.

Netaji was arrested and was sent to prison in Mandalay where he encountered tuberculosis.

To take you to his personal side, he was married to an Australian woman, who worked with him as his secretary Emilie Schenkl in 1937. With her, they had a daughter whom they named as Anita Bose, she was born in the year 1942, when Bose was leading the Azad Hind Fauj and this never gave him time to spend with his family and his daughter.

He gathered his courage and was inspired by ‘Bhagwat Gita’.

According to me;

“Only one outstanding personality of India took a different and violent path, and in a sense India owes more to him than to any other man”

Monochromatic approach to life---Realised on my birthday

It is surprising for me that I have turned 26yrs old today. I used to loved to be called as 25yrs old, yes I am not kidding but I used too. Now, I can no more called as 25yrs old and no young any more. I am heading to an age; where everyone around is settling in their life's and what about me?? Well, no signals of settling neither any signal of further career growth.


I am surprised to see myself as monochromatic and yet steady in whatever I am doing. I am surprised to see all these lovely changes in my life. I am no more the way I used to be, but my heart is contented.

I see my dressing sense has changed, when I was 15 I used to love dressing up in those western outfit and used to love wearing it, and now; shall not tell you but shall surely put up my pic to give you gest about my dressing now.

No more the way I was and used to be............but still happy and content..!! Isn't this like a magic of someone's love for me ????

Only 5 days to go……….

I have a heavy breath now and counting days. No, not for anything else but this time it is for my birthday that is arriving.

Like every year this time too I tried rewinding my memory and taking a year back. My last birthday gift from my love is unforgettable, and I still feel that I hold that as a sweet memory in my heart. My tabernacle had become violent,yet marvelous and the most clandestine.

I just loved / love my birthday gift last year.

Today, I am rewinding my year right from that time onwards; my last birthday in the year 2010.

I and he had started my year together; although never expected but, it was a sudden surprise for me that this happened. But, just for a 1 day’s happiness had obliterated both of our happiness. Guess its mending now!

Left my previous job, in the month of November with 2 months prior notice. Yes, I will not deny that I did not like that place. I liked it and learned a lot but because they did not trust my guy’s capability and did partiality towards him, broke my trust in them.

Now how hard I try I cannot confide in them for anything in future, not for him and not for me too.

Later joined another organization starting with the name ‘D’..uffffff cannot explain how horrible and pitiful  I found myself during those 17 days in that organization.

Later was at home for about 1 ½ months. Had the regular routine for college.

Something exceptional happened during that juncture. I helped my brother in his business for about a month; where I could actually streamline his business and show him his books of accounts.

And finally joined the organization that I am in !!

Albeit it was a Sabbatical vacation for me, but the most painful juncture of my life; where there was no incomings but only outgoings. I had no source of income but my expenses were the same as had the regular routine of my day on, infact with additional activities.

No ATM card,  No shopping, No outing and No fun; but I feel that this one year has left an imprint in my life, rend my heart into pieces and has taught me how to stand-up even falling hundred times and also to wear a smile all the while.

Now in just another 5 days would be entering a new fresh year of my life, and this day will make me 26 yrs old. Cannot believe that time is flying like a breeze; just touching at the edge of my body and moving away; not even allowing to breath properly or even think on those lines of improvement.

There is a tremendous change but yes I am happy with it. This is making me stronger day by day. The inner strength of soul and the courage to hold up everything is becoming vital to understand and implement.

Now, where do I stand in my career life ?? And the answer that I get from my conscious is back to the starting point, from where I started almost 5 yrs ago from Aramex to DHL to ICICI Prudential  to Seaspan and now at Orange. The salary that I drew in DHL and the salary in the present organization is the same.

I was very happy in the year 2008 when I jumped thrice the salary that I drew with  Aramex; but I am asking to myself; Am I justifying my career life?? Have no answer yet, but the question has clicked in my heart.

But, have made certain resolutions for my year to come:

1)      Have enough bank balance.

2)      Study hard and clear with flying colors.

3)      Learn some more good recipes where I can cook for him.

4)      And last but not the least grow in career and reach and cross the position that I held in my pervious orgn.

Hoping for the best and I know that I can do it.

“Life gives a lot; and takes back some too. I will get; what I own.”